Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
