I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
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