The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
