i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
