did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
