i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
