Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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