Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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