I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
