I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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