she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
