I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think I am morally bankrupt
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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