So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
