Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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