I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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