god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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