I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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