Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
