tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
ok first of all what the fuck
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
