I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
