I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
