Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
