i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
