i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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