Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
