So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
