Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
