I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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