yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
