I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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