I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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