tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
