god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
