I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
