i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize