Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
