Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
