grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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