Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
