best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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