Swine flu. Run for my life!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
