a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
