so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
