I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
