census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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