my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
