A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
