Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize