Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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