Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
