you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
