so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize