im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
