either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
