I just cut my nipple shaving
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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