when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
