I wish I could punch you in the face.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
