I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
