but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
