I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
pop tarts are not kleenex
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Operation Purity has been aborted
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He better not be in your backpack
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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