I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
