I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
