I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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